“Prestani, prestani crve jadni, bolesni!”- prolomio se vrisak memljivom ledenom sobom. Njegove prljave hrapave ručerde cepale su joj belu pohabanu košulju od štofa, pramenovi raščupane kose zalepili su joj se za suze i sline na licu, ispucalim šakama na kojima se jasno ocrtao svaki zglob sakrila je svoje oči, i cvilela u dlanove tako da je taj zvuk parao prljave zidove buđave sobe.
Bio je mator, pijan, upišan. Smrdeo je na urin i rakiju. Sva buđ, jad i čemer ove trule kuće izbijali su iz svake njegove debele bore na mrtvom licu, kome je zlom hteo da povrati kap života. Ali uzalud.
Spustio je obe ruke u svoje krilo, glavu povio stavio među kolena i disao teško i hrapavo kao životinja, ispuštajući smrdljivi zadah.
Izobličenost njegovog lica mrtvačke braon boje odavala je takvu ravnodušnost, koja je čeličnom žicom ribala poslednje fleke slika života iz njegovih sedamdeset godina.
Sedela je na krevetu, skupljena u svoju muku, jedva se čulo da je disala. Blago je podigao glavu, pogledao ka njoj. – „Nosite se svi u pizdu materinu, cigani, cigani smrdljivi, ista si kao tvoja majka raspala kurva, nije ni čudo što vas je nakotila tako i ostavila. Vi ste, vi ste bre stoka ciganjska, nije Hitler bio lud. Gubi se, gubi se, da te ne gledam!“
U tri koraka izletela je na vrata. Bosa. Crnim stopalima zgazila je u sneg i nestala u mrklom mraku našeg dvorišta. Kroz vrata je uleteo ledeni vaduh, čija svežina je razbijala opori smrad pomešanog duvana, alkohola i urina u sobi.
Podigao je svoje prljave noge na belu posteljinu, zabacio glavu na jastuk i zaspao. Izvadila sam mu dogoreli pikavac iz prstiju, ugasila u prepunoj pepeljari i izašla iz sobe, zatvarajući teška zelena vrata.
-Valjda se neće smrznuti, a i ako se smrzne nije neka šteta, pomislila sam.
Nisam htela da ustanem rano. Njega već nije bilo ni u sobi ni u dvorištu. Znala sam već da će se oko podne pojaviti na kapiji mrtav pijan. Jutranja kafa u tišini vratila mi je volju da ustanem, nahranim životinje, pospremim po dvorištu. Scene od sinoć kao da se nikada nisu desile. Naučila sam da ih brišem iz mozga na dnevnom nivou, u koštanoj srži verovatno ostaju duže, ali tu su mirne, ne ometaju me mnogo.
Pojavila se na kapiji. „Jel nije tu?“ -Nije.
„Tražila sam te sinoć, nisam se nadala da ću naleteti na njega budnog. Dobro je da si našila. Mislila sam da ga udarim nogarom od stola, mogla sam ga ubiti.“
„Dobro. Dobro. Prošlo je. Nije ti ništa uradio. Pazi drugi put. Praviš probleme i sebi i njemu, a i meni. On je čovek bolestan“, naježiala me je pomisao da ga ipak pomalo branim.
„Ma šta bolestan, pijana budala. Raspašće se jednom od smrada i alkohola. Nikom neće biti žao.“
Te reči su me čak povredile. Ne volim kad drugi govore o njemu tako naglas. Mada je verovatno istina. Prezirem opravdanja, a ipak ih stalno tražim.
A i istina je da je došla ovde polugola, znajući kakav je, i sad će da mi sedne na kičmu zbod toga.
„Imaš hiljadu dinara, nemam za mleko deci danas“? „Evo“.
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