„Nikad više, rekao sam sebi nikad više. Poslaću mu poruku čim stignem kući i to je to. Ne, poslaću je odmah“, razmišljao sam, ne uzimajući telefon u ruke.
Ulica je išla ispred mene pokušavajući da mi umakne.
„Ovo veče nije se desilo. Pocepaće me ovoliko poricanje“.
Trnuli su mi dlanovi, klecala kolena. Osećao sam da je noć ledena iako je bilo leto, mislio sam da je sviće iako još nije bila ni ponoć, činilo mi se da hodam satima, a prošlo je tek desetak minuta.
U glavi magla, zuji roj misli, smenjuju se bes, tuga, krivica i neka čudna euforija.
„Gde mi je ključ, nisam ga valjda zaboravio tamo…. poludeću ako jesam“, razmišljao sam panično ispipavajući džepove. „Uh, dobro je“.
„Možda su zaspali, molim te Bože samo da spavaju, nemam živaca više ni za šta… o, ne, budni su“.
„Tata, tata“, odjekivalo je u mojoj glavi. “Gde si bre, uvek se zadržiš kad je neki haos“, pogledala me je prekorno.
„Moram da legnem“, promrmljao sam i otišao u svoju sobu.
„Da li sam ja bolestan, možda bi trebalo da idem na psihoterapiju. Ne, saznaće svi. Već vidim naslov ‘Visoki funkcioner na psihoterapiji’, ko zna šta sve mogu da mi nameste“.
Tonuo sam polako u san.
Ispred njegovih vrata bio sam sinoć oko deset. Stavio sam parfem. Kupio vino. Ostalo je na stolu neotvoreno. Dohvatio me još sa vrata. Bilo smo goli za dva minuta. U glavi crna rupa. Bol i zubi svuda. Mogao mi je odgristi deo tela, samo da je želeo. Prijalo bi. Stezao sma njegovo mlado mišićavo telo svakim svojim damarom. Poslednjim trzajima tela, svest je počela polako da se nazire.
Nemamo mi šta mnogo da pričamo. Razmenimo par uobičajenih rečenica dok se obučem i to je to. Jednostavno samo odem.
Ujutru, kao da ništa nije bilo. Pa, nije ni bilo. Uz doručak planiramo vikend. Možda bi mogli da odemo do nekog manastira. Zvono na telefonu mi prekida razgovor, zovu sa posla, moram da žurim.
„Čeka me vozač, čujemo se kasnije“.
Ispred kuće službeni auto, ulazim uz formalno „dobro jutro“, okrznem ga pogledom. On je, ali svejedno mi je, kao da nije on. Okrenuo je glavu ka meni u osmehnuo se blago. Prošla mi je struja kroz kičmu, ali to ne znači ništa. I ono sinoć nije značilo ništa. Ustalom, nisam ja peder.
photo is ai generated
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